Urination Station

On Halloween of 2006 a bunch of friends and I were all out late at some buffalo wings place. You know the type - sort of a sports bar but with a wider variety of food. TVs and projectors everywhere showing more live sporting events simultaneously than you thought happened throughout the course of the entire year. Drunk middle aged fat men arguing about things of no real consequence. A jukebox that you can only pray no one has put any money into because of its irritatingly loud volume level, not to mention the type of music that would most likely be chosen to be played at an establishment such as this. Definitely not my type of place, but they have some pretty decent food and they stay open late so we end up frequenting there. After our consumption of foodstuffs was complete some of us headed back to a friend's place to play some Smash Bros. This house is directly on one of the two major roads of the city, so passing traffic is always consistent. This is an important point to remember. It should also be remembered that none of us had drank any amount of alcohol that night.

After a few hours of Jigglypuffing and Falcon Punching we decided to call it a night. Leaving the house was my brother Stephen (who was to ride in the car with me home), my friend Freddy and I. Immediately after walking out of the house Stephen decides that his bladder is full to bursting and needs instant relief. I walk over to my car and get in it, brotherly public urination not being a thing I had necessarily wanted to see at around two a.m. that Halloween. Freddy also gets in his car and starts it, but upon doing so Stephen began releasing his withheld urine on Freddy's car tire. In an act of tomfoolery Freddy began slowly easing his car toward my micturating sibling, forcing Stephen to step backwards whilst peeing. At this point I was backing out of my friend's driveway, only to see the blinding red and blue flashing lights of a police car.

It had turned out he was close the entire time. I watched from my car while Stephen struggled to finish his business and put his junk away as the cop approached. The policeman requested Freddy out of his vehicle. Stephen and Freddy were then brought over to the police car where they put their hands on the hood of it and were frisked (what he was expecting to find I don't know). I decided instead of driving away at this point, which was a tempting option, or simply remaining a voyeur to the situation, I should get out of the car. I did this, then was sternly asked to also put my hands on the hood and I received the first official police frisking of my life. He felt my wallet and demanded to know what it was, to which I replied "just my wallet" and reached back to get it out to show him. He grabbed my hand and slammed it back on the hood of his car, assuming maybe that I was about to pull out a wallet shaped weapon from my back pocket. At this point, for my, I was infinitely amused. I was holding back a hard laugh and it was impossible to hide the smile that covered my face. Looking at my colleagues their dispositions were quite different. Freddy was terrified. He would later tell me that it was because the cop saw him ease his car at Stephen, and he was scared he would be stuck with a ridiculous charge like "assault with a deadly weapon." Stephen was deeply apologetic, shaking his head back and forth in a "no" manner and mouthing the words "I'm so sorry" repeatedly. The cop asked us what we were thinking and Steve explained that he was just being stupid and it was late at night and figured no one would see.

As if things couldn't get any more wacky a second police car drove up and a new cop stormed out of his car. The first policeman explained the situation which seemed to piss off the new policeman to no end. He began lecturing us on the lewdness of the act and saying things like "how would you like it if I climbed up on your car and took a dump on it," or something of the sort. The amount that I was amused at this point can not be described in words. I was enjoying myself greatly and part of me was hoping that I would be arrested that night, if only so I could tell people later that I was arrested for being in the presence of my brother while he peed on the tire of my friend's car next to a major road. Before very long a third policemobile arrived on the "scene." Of course he had to be brought up to speed, so all of us, standing there, had to hear the story of Stephen's urination adventure told from two cops to a third. The second (the angry one) cop continued to get more and more perturbed, but the first cop began talking him down and telling him things like "he was just joking with is friend and thought no one would see," essentially repeating what Stephen had told him previous. One by one the first cop took us off to the side and questioned us, asking us what we were doing, if we had anything to drink, etc etc. I went last and told the policeman that my brother was terrified and would of course never do anything of this sort again. More than anything I think he was just trying to figure out if any of us were drunk, and on deciding that we all seemed sober enough, told us to essentially go the Hell home.

Freddy drove home with his adrenaline still pumping, and I headed home still unable to wipe the huge smile off my face. It was an amazing experience and one of the best Halloweens ever.